Once upon a time, there lived a Squirrel named Squirrely. Squirrelly liked to ride his bicycle from tree to tree collecting nuts in his cheeks. One day, while riding his bike, squirrel ran into a magical homeless box troll. The troll smelled of urine and booze, but told Squirrelly of a magical place called Suburbiana.
“Suburbiana is a mystical realm where one can find abundant food with little nutritious value, travel vast distances without walking, and where girl pants are fashionable for all." The homeless box troll began to wet himself then fell asleep. (They tend to fall asleep easily this time of year)
Squirrelly decided to go. “A life with no danger would be fantastic,” he said to himself. So he began to ride and ride. He rode past the river. He rode through the woods. He rode through the snow. He was close enough to smell the exhaust fumes of Suburbania when…
Suddenly a trio of Ninja Dolphins Jumped out and began to kick Squirrelly's ass. He picked up his bike and ran away screaming and crying; a little beaten and raped. "How will I ever get past them?" Squirrelly thought. "They have wet blow holes and I have is a cheek full of magical nuts"Squirrelly was overpowered, so he decided to use his head to passive-agressively deal with the dolphins. He began hatching plans. When the dolphins fell asleep, Squirrelly plugged their blowholes with some of his Acorns; suffocating them. He ground their lifeless bodies into "Chicken of the Sea" and left them for the wolves.
Squirrelly eventually found his way to Suburbiana. He couldn't get a job because of all the mexicans. He couldn't get laid because he didn't have a big truck. And he couldn't find a pair of girl pants that didn't make his tail look fat and frumpy. His hopes dashed, he decided to take his bike and go back to his tree. He slept warm and cozy the rest of the winter, eating nuts and questionable tuna. The END
